Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33Today I was reading about loving our brothers in 1 John and that as we do that, God's love is perfected in our love. There are only 2 commands specifically mentioned in 1 John--love God and love your neighbor. Immediately the Holy Spirit convicted me. How well do I love my husband? How well do I respect Him? Eph. 5:33 popped into my head and I looked up the commentary on it.
What an amazing description of the importance of a husband and wife to each obey the Lord in our love and respect of each other! With tears, I repented today over having not made loving my husband my main focus next to loving God. It's easy to love others outside our homes because you don't have to live with them during the daily ups and downs of life and you have few expectations of them. Invariably, outsiders are extremely grateful because they know that you have gone above and beyond what is expected when you show love to them in some demonstrable way.
Marriage is not normally that way though is it? We are not normally on our 'best behavior' at home. We have certain expectations of how we 'ought' to be treated. We get grumpy or short because no one but our own family is watching. We want to relax and have someone 'give' to us rather than the other way around. We expect our spouse to 'perform' or do what we think they ought to do. And we assume that our spouse will show grace to us and overlook our faults when we are tired or under stress.
Most of the time, these assumptions, expectations, and casual approach to relationships do not occur with strangers! Our reputation is on the line in 'public'. At home, we can easily get careless in how we treat each other.
But the Lord has the perfect cure--love and reverence--not because anyone else is watching or because we will 'get back' what we sow, though these things may indeed happen, but because Christ commands us to do it.
God knows that genuine love and reverence are the only way to have a happy, holy, and God-honoring marriage. If we obey, we will experience the joy and fruit that he intends. If we disobey, the 'fruit' of that disobedience will harm not only our own personal relationship with our spouse, but damage the image of marriage in our children's eyes, harm their own relationship with God, and damage the very fabric of our society.
The ripple effect of either a Godly marriage or a selfish one cannot be overstated! I'll never forget about a survey done of homeschool kids where they asked the question, "What one thing would you change at home?" The huge majority said they wished their parents would love each other and quit fighting or arguing or being 'tense' with each other. This is so so sad! It only reinforces my conviction that our focus as parents should be on our own character correction and development, not our kids!
If we say we love God and don't love (or hate) our brother..
...he is a liar: for he that loves not his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loves God love his brother (spouse) also. 1 John 4:7 19-21
The Lord has strongly impressed, at least on my heart, that love for my husband is best displayed in His command to me to 'reverence' my husband.
How embarrassing it was to suddenly realize, during this morning's devotional time, that I cannot honestly say I have that attitude? How it grieves me to see the lack of honor that I have (at least in my heart) --practically considering Tim my 'equal', though I have always submitted to Him and in fact obey Him in anything he asks, desires, or even hints at. I have always believed in Godly submission. But it's been a very long time since I did an attitude check to see if I still believe that now, after 27 years of marriage.
It's not my 'walk' that concerns me as much as my heart attitude and prevailing mindset. I know that the attitude of reverence and respect for Tim as my head has not been in the forefront in the last few years. It's not the way I've been 'seeing' him no matter how much I love him ( and I do!) or how much I respect him or honor him which I try to do at all times. I feel all of these things towards Tim, but I know that it's not always that way nor am I certain that I've really got the idea of Tim as my 'head' and authority clearly in my mind--especially in times of disagreement.
It's not enough to 'feel' love or reverence--we have to demonstrate it daily in the nitty gritties of life!
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. 1 John 3:18,19
However, I will be doing so from now on! Obedience to every command is my daily committment to the Lord and that includes reverencing my husband and seeing him as 'Lord' as God's word so clearly commands.
I'm afraid it's too easy to let the world's view of men and husbands creep into our daily mindset. It is time for me to quit assuming I have the right attitude and do a real heart and mind check.
I have included Barne's lengthy commentary on today's verses because he is a voice from the past, untainted by our modern 'take' on marriage roles or the love and reverence so critical for a Godly marriage.
Dear Lord, You know how self-focused I've been for most of my marriage. It grieves me to think of it! But I am so so grateful you opened my eyes today to this huge blindspot. My best love should go to my husband--and how does he spell love? According to you, what he needs most and what you command is genuine respect and reverence to Him as my "Lord", but unto you. If I don't see him as the God-ordained authority of my life, how can I claim to respect yours? How can I expect submission from my kids or honor? Help me to live out the same respect for Tim's authority and to demonstrate the same heartfelt honor towards him that we have always asked of our kids towards their parents. May I honor you as I honor Tim, regardless of the circumstances. Help me to obey you from the heart. I am not responsible for Tim's part--only mine.
Help us to see that the issue here is not what the 'results' will be if we do this, but the fact that you have commanded us to demonstrate our love for you by our love and obedience to your commands of which this one--for us wives--is the chief! And indeed the same is true for husbands.
I know that like every other command you have given me, this one will bear glorious fruit! So much peace and joy is on the other side of the wall of obedience. Lord, you know this kind of love and respect can only come from you. We humans just don't have it in us, but by the empowering of your Holy Spirit, we can do all things!
Thank you for your Word which has never changed and will never change regardless of current trends or philosophies. Help us love not just in word or 'feeling' but in deed and truth.
Amen!
Bible Commentary on Eph.5:21-29 by Barnes~
Nevertheless - The apostle here resumes the subject which he had been discussing in Ephesians 5:21-29, and says that it was the duty of every man to love his wife as he did himself. This was the main topic, from which he had been diverted by the discussion respecting the love which the Redeemer had shown for his church.
And the wife see that she reverence her husband - The word "see" is supplied by our translators. The meaning is, that it was the special duty of the wife to show respect for her husband as the head of the family, and as set over her in the Lord; see on Ephesians 5:22, note 28, note. The word rendered "reverence," is that which usually denotes "fear" - φοβῆται phobētai. She is to fear; i. e., to honor, respect, obey the will of her husband. It is, of course, not implied that it is not also her duty to love her husband, but that there should be no usurping of authority; no disregard of the arrangement which God has made; and that order and peace should be secured in a family by regarding the husband as the source of law.
From what is here said of the duties of husband and wife we may remark:
(1) That the happiness of society depends on just views of the marriage relation. It is true the world over, that the views which prevail in regard to this relation, determine everything in reference to all other relations of life, and to all other sources of enjoyment.
(2) God designed that woman should occupy a subordinate, though an important place in the relations of social life. This arrangement is never disregarded without evils which cannot be corrected until the original intention is secured. No imaginary good that can come out of the violation of the original design; no benefits which females, individual or associated, can confer on mankind by disregarding this arrangement, can be a compensation for the evil that is done, nor can the evil be remedied unless woman occupies the place which God designed she should fill. There nothing else can supply her place; and when she is absent from that situation - no matter what good she may be doing elsewhere - there is a silent evil reigning, which can be removed only by her return. It is not hers to fight battles, or to command armies and navies, or to control kingdoms, or to make laws. Nor is it hers to go forward as a public leader even in enterprises of benevolence, or in associations designed to act on the public mind. Her empire is the domestic circle; her first influence is there; and in connection with that, in such scenes as she can engage in without trenching on the prerogative of man, or neglecting the duty which she owes to her own family.
(3) it is not best that there should be the open exercise of authority in a family. When "commands" begin in the relation of husband and wife, "happiness" flies; and the moment a husband is "disposed" to command his wife, or is "under a necessity" of doing it, that moment he may bid adieu to domestic peace and joy.
(4) a wife, therefore, should never give her husband "occasion" to command her to do anything, or forbid anything. His known wish, except in cases of conscience, should be law to her. The moment she can ascertain what his will is, that moment ought to settle her mind as to what is to be done.
(5) a husband should never "wish" or "expect" anything that it may not be perfectly proper for a wife to render. He, too, should consult "her" wishes; and when he understands what they are, he should regard what she prefers as the very thing which he would command. The known wish and preference of a wife, unless there be something wrong in it, should be allowed to influence his mind, and be that which he directs in the family.
(6) there is no danger that a husband will love a wife too much, provides his love be subordinate to the love of God. The command is, to love her as Christ loved the church. What love has ever been like that? How can a husband exceed it? What did not Christ endure to redeem the church? So should a husband be willing to deny himself to promote the happiness of his wife; to watch by her in sickness, and, if need be, to peril health and life to promote her welfare. Doing this, he will not go beyond what Christ did for the church. He should remember that she has a special claim of justice on him. For him she has left her father's home, forsaken the friends of her youth, endowed him with whatever property she may have, sunk her name in his, confided her honor, her character, and her happiness, to his virtue; and the least that he can do for her is to love her, and strive to make her happy. This was what she asked when she consented to become his; and a husband's love is what she still asks to sustain and cheer her in the trials of life. If she has not this, whither shall she go for comfort?
(7) we may see, then, the guilt of those husbands who withhold their affections from their wives, and forsake those to whom they had solemnly pledged themselves at the altar; those who neglect to provide for their needs, or to minister to them in sickness; and those who become the victims of intemperance, and leave their wives to tears. There is much, much guilt of this kind on earth. There are many, many broken vows. There are many, many hearts made to bleed. There is many a pure and virtuous woman who was once the object of tender affection, now, by no fault of hers, forsaken, abused, broken-hearted, by the brutal conduct of a husband,
(8) wives should manifest such a character as to be worthy of love. They owe this to their husbands. They demand the confidence and affection of man; and they should show that they are worthy of that confidence and affection. It is not possible to love that which is unlovely, nor to force affection where it is undeserved; and, as a wife expects that a husband will love her more than he does any other earthly being, it is but right that she should evince such a spirit as shall make that proper. A wife may easily alienate the affections of her partner in life. If she is irritable and fault-finding; if none of his ways please her; if she takes no interest in his plans, and in what he does; if she forsakes her home when she should he there, and seeks happiness abroad; or if, at home, she never greets him with a smile; if she is wasteful of his earnings, and extravagant in her habits, it will be impossible to prevent the effects of such a course of life on his mind. And when a wife perceives the slightest evidence of alienated affection in her husband, she should inquire at once whether she has not given occasion for it, and exhibited such a spirit as tended inevitably to produce such a result.
(9) to secure mutual love, therefore, it is necessary that there should be mutual kindness, and mutual loveliness of character. Whatever is seen to be offensive or painful, should be at once abandoned. All the little peculiarities of temper and modes of speech that are observed to give pain, should be forsaken; and, while one party should endeavor to tolerate them, and not to be offended, the other should make it a matter of conscience to remove them.
(10) the great secret of conjugal happiness is in the cultivation of a proper temper. It is not so much in the great and trying scenes of life that the strength of virtue is tested; it is in the events that are constantly occurring; the manifestation of kindness in the things that are happening every moment; the gentleness that flows along every day, like the stream that winds through the meadow and around the farm-house, noiseless but useful, diffusing fertility by day and by night. Great deeds rarely occur. The happiness of life depends little on them, but mainly on the little acts of kindness in life. We need them everywhere; we need them always. And eminently in the marriage relation there is need of gentleness and love, returning each morning, beaming in the eye, and dwelling in the heart through the livelong day.
