The Gossip Problem

[Ramez5]

I remember it like it was yesterday. The queasy stomach, the tears I fought to hold back, the incredible hurt I felt in my heart.

"You know, Autumn," my friend Nick* said, "Lisa and Andrea were just talking about you." I immediately got tense.

"They said you're a kiss-up, that the only reason you start on the basketball team is because the coach likes you. It's not because you're good."

I thought I might be sick.

"They said they're tired of you always getting what you want. You don't deserve it."

It was all I could do to hold back the tears as I sank to my knees on the cold, concrete floor. As Nick continued to tell me everything my supposed best friends said about me, I was crushed. My mind raced. I knew I didn't deserve this. But that didn't make it any easier.

Lisa and Andrea came in from lunch break acting like nothing had happened. Lisa was still my locker mate, Andrea my partner on a history project. I was amazed at their ability to pretend we had the perfect friendship. Especially since they'd said such hurtful things.

I was a freshman in high school—and I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world.

All because of gossip.

The Bible tells us the tongue is our worst enemy. "The tongue is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person," James 3:6 says.

In the book of Romans, Paul includes gossip among the sins of murder, envy, greed, deceit and malice. He said "those who do such things deserve death."

So why does God despise gossip?

Proverbs offers several verses on the subject. A gossip "betrays a confidence" (11:13) and "separates close friends" (16:28). Proverbs 18:8 says, "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts."

When we say mean things about others, we're inflicting emotional pain on them. Instead of punching them in the nose, we're shooting daggers into their heart.

As Christians, we're supposed to honor God in all areas of our lives. Talking negatively about friends or strangers does not show Christ's unconditional love.

So, what should we do when we encounter gossip? I think there are three possible responses.

Speak out. Kindly but firmly tell your friends gossip is hurtful and that no one benefits from it.

Be positive. Turn the conversation around by saying something nice about the person being talked about.

Walk away. Don't be part of the problem by sticking around to listen.

You've probably heard gossip everywhere—at school, in the mall, on the Net. But what about on Sunday mornings? You'd think stuff like this wouldn't happen in church sanctuaries or youth group meetings, right?

Wrong, unfortunately. And the scary thing is we may not even realize it. Gossip may not be as blatant at church as it is at school, but it can still show its ugly face. We're just better at "disguising" it at church.

For example, one of your friends tells you her parents are getting divorced, and she asks for prayer. Do you find yourself wanting to notify the church prayer chain, all your relatives and any other Christians you can think of—all with the seemingly good intention of wanting prayer for your friend?

If so, stop, drop and …

Resist the urge. She confided in you, not the entire church congregation. Don't break her trust, even if it's for something as apparently good as a prayer request.

Pray. Get on your knees and do as your friend asked—talk to God.

Talk to your friend. Ask your friend if she'd like you to share her prayer concern with anyone else, and if so, who? Talk to her before you disclose any personal information.

Unfortunately, we've all been guilty of gossip at one time or another—intentional or not. And we've all been the victim of it too. But how should we react when we discover a trusted friend has been saying mean things about us? Yes, it hurts, but have hope. You can do several things.

Go to God. Talk, cry, scream—whatever it takes to resolve your hurt. Just hand it over to him.

Forgive. You can only do this by the grace of God. And you need to—no matter how difficult it is. (Check out Matthew 6:14-15 for some help.) Forgive your friend first in your heart. Ask God for guidance and healing.

Confront. When your emotions are under control, tell the person or people who hurt you how their words made you feel. (If necessary, "rehearse" what you'd like to say beforehand. If you think you might lose your cool, express your feelings in a note or e-mail.) Then tell them you forgive them. Hopefully, this will help you move on with your friendship.

So what happened with Lisa and Andrea?

When they pretended our friendship hadn't changed, I was tempted to lash out. But I took a step back. I talked to God. And through my tears I found a true friend in Jesus—one who would never betray me.

He gave me the strength to tell my friends they had hurt me. Lisa started crying; Andrea didn't know what to say. I knew they were both sorry for what they had said. They apologized, and through the grace of God I was able to forgive them. Sure, things were a little tense at first, but after awhile everything was back to the way it was before.

I still deal with gossip, whether it be as a recipient or a participant. But the more I learn about God's love, the more I realize the importance of encouraging others—and that never includes gossip.